


UGLY FACES // WATSKY

by vbligs



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: M/M, this is just fucking. freeform writing while i work on my grimmons fic lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 02:05:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19219375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vbligs/pseuds/vbligs
Summary: jcsgjxs im just jammin to watsky n thinkin abt my rvb oc quq





	UGLY FACES // WATSKY

"Whasssuuuuuuup... _Beatrice!"_ Ned's slur slips through wine drenched lips, swinging one scarred up arm around Washington's tense shoulder, the other hand clutching a chipped glass of red wine meets whiskey.

Wheezy laughter meets a hiccup as Ned leans in to whisper wetly against Wash's ear, the smell of stale alcohol enough to make the agent's nose wrinkle in disgust, "Haha, just called you ... _Beatrice!"_

"And I don't -"

"And I don't -"

"And I don't _care_  if that is your name!"

Another slurred speech pattern, scratched record meets shitty 2000s era boombox as Ned pulls back from Washington (more like _pushed_  back by the cornflower soldier) and pops some unknown pills and scatters the dust into the wine-whiskey mix.

"Back in the day - my Daddy would say ... that if I kept on making ugly faces," Ned pulls an exaggerated frown to prove his point, before dissolving into giggles and rocking on his heels as he gestures out to the shitty jungle canyon.

He stumbles back into Washington's arms, the high strung man letting out a groan of exasperation at Ned's inane actions, "That if - and I wasn’t ... _fuck!_  Careful it’d stay that way."

"Oh great!" Comes the happy cry as Ned spots another bottle of whiskey, grabs it by the neck and downs a healthy (unhealthy) gulp of it, Wash's eyes tracking the bob of the inebriated man's Adam's apple.

"You're gonna get alcohol poisoning -"

"Wow! _No shit."_

Ned coughs into his fist, takes another swig and grimaces, before pulling it up into a smile twisted by the scar that ran over his lips, "Ooh, hooray, that’s so sick!"

Another batch of pills fall into his open mouth as Washington watches with equal disdain and concern, eyes rolling in his skull as Ned continues to giggle.

"With a little bit of luck maybe one of those sticks!"

Then Ned grabs Wash's hand, pulls him out onto the balcony of the makeshift meeting centre where Tucker's collapsed and imagining.... something.

It's enough to have the man redcheeked and tongue tied, other than the occasional _'Bow chicka wow wow!'_ while Caboose - well, Caboose's first experience with alcohol is... going decently, or at least it was, until Sarge cornered him to talk about mechanisms while drunk. Not a good combo.

"I’ll be feeling a hella of a lot of swell -"

"You're not feeling anything other than the necessity of a fucking _stomach pump,_ Nebraska -"

"Shh shh shh... I be smelling like a big cheese!" Ned presses a finger to Wash's lips and gestures to his dingy grey armor, giving Mr. High Strung Number One a conspiratorial wink.

"What the fuck does that _mean?"_

"Everybody better be ready to get it - _get it?"_

Ned pulls the wrist guards from his arms, either too sober to care (and making this all a front) or too drunk to have any sort of inhibitions.

Whatever the reason, the ex-Freelancer was currently picking and plucking armor from his body like it was too hot in the crash site.

"Ohh no no no _no_  - Nebraska you are not fucking ... d-doing _this_ , Jesus fucking Christ man, if I wanted shit like this I'd just steal Tucker's porn stash -"

"'Cause I’m getting naked if you really want a strip tease," Another wink as the main vest comes off and its just a turtleneck and UNSC regulation pants keeping Wash's eyes from Ned's naked skin.

"And the babies in their highchairs taking off their bibs!" Ned gestures to Caboose, who's currently sipping delightedly on a bottle of shitty vodka, stage whispering to Freckles all the while.

"And their mommies all be ripping out their wig weaves!"

At this point Washington is _convinced_  Ned has lost his mind, his fellow agent running his fingers through his hair, pulling their faces close together (close enough that Wash can see the old puncture marks from when Neb had his scar sewn together.)

"And the pretty people in the oil paintings on the wall are popping molly and they’re stripping off their fig leaves."

 _"Please_ tell me you didn't pop acid before this, Nebraska that's how you O.D. you dumb fucking cockwarmer -"

Suddenly the alcohol glaze burns away from Ned's eyes and Washington is _painfully_ aware of how close the two of them are - it's distracting, to say the least.

"Better burn your clothes."

"Wha -"

Next thing Wash knows Ned's hands are roaming up his chestplate, fiddling with the latches, popping them open and grinning like a madman.

"I'll - It’ll curl your toes."

"Are you - _are you fucking coming on to me right now?"_

A shrug. That's all Washington gets - before Ned pulls back and goes back to spouting drunken nonsense (but now Washington is sure that Ned isn't drunk in the slightest - _how could he?)_

"Kissing women and they turn to toads, I’m pimping Kermit’s hoes."

"You mean - what the fuck are you -"

Another finger to his mouth and then Wash realizes that Ned's backed him into a corner, which is impressive considering how much he's stumbling.

"And I’m sure that every girl is a pearl and the world is a perfect globe," Aaannnnddd now they're sitting. Or, Wash is. Ned's pushed him into a chair and he's nasically fulfilling every wet dream Washington's ever _had,_ which would be cool (he guesses) if _they weren't in the fucking open._

"But when I’m joking with my little - cousin? - and he pulls my finger - then the motherfuckin’ earth explodes!"

Aforementioned finger is held out to Washington, who relunctantly pulls it, to which Ned responds with bodily collapsing on top of Wash.

_"Boom."_


End file.
